Betty Ford- An Icon for Sober Women Passes

I was saddened to hear of the passing of Betty Ford last week. Whenever a bright and vivacious spirit leaves the planet, I think we feel it, I think it gets a little bit more dim, even if you never give that person a moment’s thought.

Honestly, I don’t think of Betty Ford much, but on hearing that she passed I had a chance to reflect on the impact she made while she was here. She was a very successful human- since for me, the measure of a person is how they affect and improve the lives of others, and how fearlessly they stand by their own truth while doing so. Betty Ford succeeded at this. She was a brave, outspoken lady who publicly spoke of her addiction to pills and alcohol, and in so doing, removed a great deal of shame for alcoholic women and men suffering from the disease in crippling, devastating, secrecy.

After already being known as an outspoken First Lady who championed controversial issues such as Pro-Choice and Equal Pay for Women, and grabbing the nation’s attention with her battle with breast cancer and mastectomy, she then openly admitted, by issuing a press release, that she was seeking rehabilitation for opiate painkiller addiction. She was equally open about her alcoholism.

Betty Ford had no problem being controversial. She was a rare bird in that she wasn’t trying to be liked or be popular, but to stand by the things that were meaningful to her, that she wanted to draw attention to, that she wanted people to think about, that she wanted to change. Upon issuing the press release regarding her alcoholism, she was flooded with letter from people, largely women, who were riddled with guilt and shame over their alcoholism and wanted to know where to get help. Thus, the Betty Ford Clinic was born. (Later the name was changed to the Betty Ford Center.)

In the early 2000s, I used to run around the clubs of Los Angeles wearing a Betty Ford Clinic T shirt and leather pants, which I thought was very ironic and clever. Everyone commented on that shirt. I can safely say that the joke was ultimately on me- I thought it was funny to be wearing that shirt while drinking a Ketel One chilled in a rocks glass.  In reality, I was an alcoholic, but didn’t know it. I was a long lost sister of Betty Ford, in that sense. She had already paved the way for the likes of me, and I was wearing her name as a joke.

As I get older, not just as a sober woman but as a woman in general, I have learned to have the utmost respect for people like Betty Ford. I have learned from experience that it isn’t easy to simply be yourself; first you have to now who yo uare, and that is only half the battle. With all the scrutiny facing her as the wife of Gerald Ford, she still spoke candidly about premarital sex, about marijuana, about women’s issues- almost shockingly so, certainly rocking the boat of the old guard. She did this with a nation watching her. She was a revolution and she was televised.

I try to imagine what the climate was like back in 1976 for an alcoholic woman, still in her cups. I can only liken it to the time I first realized I had a problem but didn’t know about AA. I felt lost and alone, I felt crazy, I felt like no one would understand. I didn’t understand. I thought it was a judgement of my character, that I could not simply stop the destructive behavior through my own will. I felt like a bad mother, daughter, woman. I didn’t feel like I was part of society, that somehow I only qualified for the fringe but could never belong. I was different. But I was lucky because AA is now so commonplace, especially here in LA, that it found me. I was going to school for hypnotherapy in 2004 and one of our classes was on substance abuse. The owner of the school came in and told his story, which was one of addiction and of recovery. He spoke of AA and offered to speak to anyone who thought they might have a problem. He told us that if anyone came to us for hypnotherapy and was having substance abuse problems to give them an AA meeting directory. It was then that I realized I had somewhere to go. I went to lunch with him and told him I thought I was an alcoholic, that my life was out of control as a result of my drinking.

I didn’t get sober at that time, I still had three more years of chaos and confusion and heartache in front of me before I hit a proper bottom and was willing to surrender to the program of recovery. But I imagine, if I was a woman in 1976 having the same problem, seeing Betty Ford on the news openly admitting she had a problem and was seeking help, I would have felt enormous relief. I would have felt that there was hope. I wouldn’t have felt so alone.  I would have been one of those people writing her a letter, asking her where to go for help.

I can not imagine the thousands of lives that were impacted by Betty Ford’s bravery and honesty. Not just the lives of those that actually got sober but their children, their families. Even the children of their children, who had better lives and were therefore able to create better lives for their own kids. It is quite a legacy she left behind, and for me, that is the greatest achievement imaginable. The first part of this legacy being to live one’s truth without shame, without apology, and to stand by what one believes, especially as a woman. Women are typically crippled by the need to feel approval. Betty Ford was an example of ‘keeping it real.’ As women, we will always need the likes of her to pave the way for us and show us how its done. And then there is the over reaching arc of her life- helping heal the wounds of others by sharing one’s own wound. What is the point of life, if not to help others, to overcome one’s own demons and help others do the same? To reach out into dark places and pull people into the light?  There is no more fulfilling life than this. Rest in peace, Betty Ford. Many people are living in peace because of you.