Adjusting To Separation From An Alcoholic – What the Treatment Center Told Me to Expect

Adjusting To Separation From An Alcoholic – What the Treatment Center Told Me to Expect

So here we were – the greatly anticipated moment when I got to release my alcoholic daughter to the clinical team at the rehab – if you could call it that ! It was more like a 5-star hotel with large comfortable bedrooms, starched white sheets with enormous en-suite bathrooms, airy reception rooms with pristine sofas looking out onto extensive manicured grounds and foliage. None of the steely hard-bed dormitories with nicotine-stained ceilings I had imagined. Peeking into the kitchen I smelled inviting aromas and noticed a spread of fresh vegetables and fruit. The atmosphere was calm and hushed. Two staff members sat me down to explain the treatment and I was given a package of information, schedules etc. One of the staff told me that it was suggested that there be “No contact ” between family members for one week.

So here we were – the greatly anticipated moment when I got to release my alcoholic daughter to the clinical team at the rehab.

I am ashamed to say that on hearing this, I panicked! Did they think her addiction was my fault? Did they think I was contributing to her unhappiness? I was so used to reacting and making things all about me…looking back I see that I had began to lose touch with reality. The staff explained that meant this was not as a way to cut us off but for the following reasons:1. They warned me that clients frequently bombarded loved ones with calls, begging them to come and retrieve them from this “prison”, particularly during the detox period of treatment. I realised how many times I had been manipulated by the pleas of my daughter when leaving her at institutions…how for so many years I had succumbed to blame and criticism. My compulsion to rescue my daughter and ease her pain had enabled her addiction. Here was yet another situation where it might be so easy to react to her pain if I stayed in contact with her.

2. It was very normal have “buyers remorse” over the decision to go to treatment. Clients would arrive at treatment, experience some of the restrictions mixed with the discomfort of withdrawal and want to bolt. Most addicts are used to getting what they want and are highly skilled manipulators . When a treatment team lays down “limits” -”No you may not use your cell phone” “No you may not surf the internet all night”. This can be scary.

3. The first few days were crucial for the settling in period and often emotionally challenging for the clients and therefore the less distractions from the outside world the better. Addicts feel incredibly vulnerable during detox. Feelings that they have been avoiding for years start flooding their systems; remorse and self-hatred are high on the list. They need to be in a safe place to process these feelings. Having family around can be like a minefield — everyone tip-toeing around, trying not to cause any explosions by saying or doing the wrong thing — and was to be avoided at all costs.

4. The family dynamic was so fragile that the smallest thing I would do would set my daughter spinning off into rage and vice versa. We had become experts at reaction and retaliation and that was not helping anyone.

5. I was so used to managing my daughter and scanning to see what she was up to that bossing and controlling her was like a reflex muscle to me. I found it impossible not to mind my own business. I felt like a plug that was stuck in a socket that needed someone to pull it out. My meddling was not helping her recovery and the slow process of letting go and respecting her autonomy needed to begin. Hard as it was to admit to myself that, “Mother does not always know best”, it was true.

6. The communication embargo also gave our family an opportunity to retreat, re-group, and re-enter in an emotional sense. We had all lived our lives revolving around this alcoholic for over two years. In the process of trying to manage the craziness, we had become crazy ourselves, we were all so intertwined in one another’s business. This is sometimes known as being ‘enmeshed’ in treatment terms. It was time to take the focus off my daughter and put it back on me.

It was time to turn inward.